The Red Strokes
by Nonnihil Scelestus
Summary: John is on his 30 days leave, Lilly objects to his possible desire to retire.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Cold Case

**The Red Strokes**

She stared at his empty office. She was intensely aware of the reason he had been suspended. Of course she was partly the cause. She and Scotty were the ones to put him, their Lieutenant, their boss, their mentor, their friend, in the position of taking a 30-day suspension, which in turn would cause him to retire or be forced into early retirement.

Lilly tried to go back to work, but it was so hard to concentrate. John Stillman was the glue that held their team together, and they just weren't a team without him. Her eyes wandered back to his empty office as her ears heard his name. Lilly want the type to listen to idle water cooler gossip but she made the exception when any of them team were mentioned.

"Didn't you hear? Stillman gave his papers to the director. He's not going to come back at all." One of the detectives said to another. Lilly stifled a gasp and pushed back the sudden tears that sprang into her eyes. Stillman was her rock, her anchor so that she could continue to do her job. Above and beyond that he was her friend and her closest confidant. He should have told her if he was going to retire. The rational side of her brain said that it was just gossip, because he really would have told her first if it were true, and he hadn't said a word. But the rational part of her brain was being bound and gagged by her emotions.

Lilly slowly shut down her computer and organized her desk. She wasn't getting any work done and she needed to see him. It was early afternoon but she didn't care. Scotty and the other detectives just watched her leave without a word. They were still worried about her and her recovery from being shot.

Lilly went straight to his house, hoping he would be there. When she arrived, she noticed his truck was gone, so she called Jefferies to ask about his fishing spots. Will, being sympathetic to he cause gave her the information willingly.

When she finally tracked him down, it was starting to get dark and he was tying his boat to the pier in the dusky twilight. As she approached partially in shadow, he thought he was seeing an angel. She was backlit by the dying sun, casting a shadow over all of her face except the bright blue of her eyes and the golden glow of her hair. Stillman blinked and when his vision cleared, his angel became the form of his favorite detective. He sighed in a knowing way. He had known she would come to him eventually. He finished tying off the boat and stood to face her head on. They stared at each other for a moment, waiting for the other to speak. Lilly broke the silence first.

"Is it true?" She asked softly.

"Yes and no. I turned it in, but I may come back, or I may not." He answered, knowing exactly what she was asking.

"You have to come back…" Her last words were broken off in a sob. He wasn't sure how to respond, so he reached for her to hold her close, but she backed away. "You have to come back." This time her tone was firm. He sighed.

"Lilly, I'm not sure I can." She shook her head firmly as if she could force him to come back through will power alone. "Its not that simple. I burned my bridges keeping Scotty from being suspended. I took the 30-days for him and they could use that to force me to retire early even if I want to come back. And I'm not sure I want to come back."

"Why?" She asked, concerned now.

"I've gone numb somewhere in my chest. Each case is just like another and I can't bring myself to care anymore. I'm tapped out." Lilly did something unexpected then. She moved into his personal space, wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing his chest, directly over his heart.

"I wont let your heart die." Was her response. He was startled to say the least. While he and Lilly were close friends and colleagues, they were never anything more. But the way she held him was doing something to him that shouldn't. He was older, and her boss, although he though of them as a team, There were rules too, precautions, that when flouted, could ruin both their careers. But it also felt so wonderful to be held, that he was loath to push her away.

"Lilly, as long as you're around, my heart could never die. But I can't promise I'll come back. I need this time off to get my head on straight. I need the time away so that if I do come back, I can do my job like I'm supposed to. You understand that don't you? I'm questioning myself right now. I can't do the job like this." Lilly nodded in understanding. "Good. Come on, I'll walk you up to your car." Stillman escorted her to her car and watched her drive away. He let out a silent sigh before he started to berate himself for reacting to her closeness. He had been alone too long. Shaking himself loose from his thoughts, he packed his fishing gear into his truck and headed home.

_Moonlight on canvas, midnight and wine_

_Two shadows starting to softly combine_

_The picture they're painting_

_Is one of the heart_

_And to those who have seen it_

_It's a true work of art_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer is in chapter 1

**The Red Strokes**

Chapter 2

It was 10 days into his imposed suspension before John started to go a little stir crazy. He'd gone fishing, tried golf, cleaned his house top to bottom, done laundry, fixed the sink in the kitchen and the shower in the bathroom, read his new book, and visited his daughter and brother – all the things he hadn't had time for before. Now that he had them done, he was bored and missing the job. He quelled that thought with a vicious shake of his head.

He would not think about work because then he would think about how much he missed her. He sighed in resignation. Since he'd seen, Lilly at the marina that day, he had been unable to get her out of his head, especially the feel of her body against his, when she had hugged him. He longed to have her that close again. As his thoughts started to drift to her, the doorbell rang. He rose to answer it and found the object of his imaginations, standing there in front of him.

"Lilly, this is unexpected. What can I do for you?" He asked. He couldn't take another assault on his senses from her.

"I came by to see if you wanted to go out to lunch." She answered a little shyly. Stillman was slightly wary of her offer but accepted the invitation anyway. He could never refuse Lilly anything, and that's when it hit him that he would return to work, just for her. He wasn't in love with her yet, but the possibilities were endless.

They went to a restaurant near the park downtown, someplace he had never been before. Neither one of them spoke and despite the slightly awkward nature of the silence, they enjoyed each other's company. And when Lilly returned him to his house, she tried to apologize for the way she acted the week before.

"I didn't mean to sound so much like a child who wasn't getting her own way. All I was missing was the stomp. I know that you have to do what's best for you, I'm sorry."

"Its fine. I've thought about it, and I'm going to come back. The job is my life and between the boredom and the need to see my favorite detective almost everyday. I'm going crazy." He answered without realizing his slip of the tongue. Lilly, the trained detective caught every word.

"Favorite detective? And who would that be?" John wasn't sure if he should let her know how much she affected him but it slipped out anyway.

"You, its always been you." Lilly wasn't sure how to respond. Was she supposed to laugh it off as a joke, or take him seriously and tell him about her ever-growing feelings? And was that his way of saying he had feelings for her as well. She must have looked shocked because Stillman started to blush.

"Lilly, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't come back after all." That shook her out of her stupor.

"We are not going to have that conversation again. I was just surprised…" she trailed off unsure of what else to say. He decided to go for broke.

"I care about you Lilly, more than I should. You're a great detective, and a great friend, but you're more than that to me. I think I could very easily love you." It was a night of surprises for Lilly.

"I care too. I do love you. Its why I've been so adamant about wanting you to stay because I worry that if you walk away from the job, I'll never see you again." John reached for her hand to pull her close to him, within hugging range and held her tight to his chest.

"I wont ever leave you. I don't think I'd survive." He held her close for a little while longer, not ready to let go. Lilly eventually pushed back. She had to return to work, but not before they made a lunch date for the next day.

When she was gone, John took a moment to really look at himself in the mirror. He was grinning like an idiot. He took a moment to calm down and think about what he was doing with Lilly and how it could affect their careers. Then he shrugged it off. He was nearing the end of his anyway, so it was time to do what his heart wanted and not let his brain over think it too much.

_Oh, the red strokes_

_Passions uncaged_

_Thundering moments of tenderness rage_

_Oh, the red strokes_

_Tempered and strong_

_Burning the night like the dawn_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer is in Chapter 1

**The Red Strokes**

Chapter 3

Lilly was in a haze as she returned to work that day. He cared for her. She wanted to jump for joy and scream at the same time, but knew that both were highly inappropriate. In fact it would probably be wise to school all of her features back into her "cop mask" and actually get something done. It wouldn't do to have John comeback to work and find that she hadn't gotten anything done.

As Lilly entered the office, the other detectives looked up. She wasn't quite smiling but she looked content and ready to face the world. Scotty, her partner, and closest friend besides their Lieutenant, knew something was up. It would wait until they were alone, but he would find out.

That evening Lilly curled up on her couch with her photo box. Her cats were there with her, on in her lap and one at her feet. As she flicked through the photos she came across the ones of her and her father. His face was never in any of the pictures. Her mom had been pregnant with Christina at the time, so she wasn't in any of them, and in essence neither was he. She couldn't remember his face anymore. He left not long after that, before her sister was born. Christina had never known him. Neither had she really. As she dozed off that night, her dreams were unusually vivid. They took her back to the little Asian girl whose parents had been murdered and the man, Darrell, who had looked out for her after. He had said she had daddy issues. He had been right. She tossed and turned most of the night before waking at 3 AM drenched in sweat and breathing hard.

Did she really see John as a father figure and not as a potential lover? Would that be what was causing her lack of sleep? She was too tired to want to think about it, but her brain was wide-awake. Because she couldn't sleep, she thought about how it felt to be in John's arms. The thought made her heart race and her breath catch in her throat. No, she didn't think of John as a father. Father is how she felt about Jefferies. John she loved. John was home. John made her fell desire. Perhaps someday she would come across the man who was her real father, but until then she would be content with her life.

The day John came back to work, the team gathered in his office with applause and happy smiles. They agreed with Lilly, that the team just wasn't the same without him.

Lilly caught him in the parking lot after everyone else was gone.

"Have dinner with me? She asked.

"Anytime. Where did you have in mind?" He agreed.

"My place. Follow me home." With that she got into her car. John followed as ordered. Lilly let him enter first when they reached her place. She introduced him to her cats and led him into the kitchen. She made dinner efficiently and well. Neither said much, both comfortable together. Before long they were curled up on Lilly's sofa with the cats who had taken to John almost immediately. He noticed the box of photos on the table.

"May I?" He asked after a moment.

"Sure" She said with a smile. He pulled them out one by one. Some were of her and her sister. Some were of her mother. Some were friends from school.

"Where's your father in the pictures?" He asked finally.

"In the ones of me as a baby, he's taking the picture. The rest he wasn't there. He left right before Christina was born."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

"It's alright and you didn't. I don't even remember him anymore. Besides if you're going to stick with me, then you have a right to know everything."

"I'm sorry he wasn't there for you. I am however happy to be with you and that he was around long enough to help create you." He kissed her cheek and she sighed in appreciation.

_Steam on the window, salt in a kiss_

_Two hearts have never pounded like this_

_Inspired by a vision_

_That they can't command_

_Erasing the borders_

_With each brush of a hand_


End file.
